So back to the review of the workshop... The trainer, Tammy Fontana (see May's post for her full bio), was a 40+ American lady, eloquent, knew her content very well, could remember each of the parents' pain point at the workshop, and oh my god was she hard core or what! I wonder if she has kids (I think she mentioned she does), and whether those poor little children went through these steps too. But then again, come to think of it, she probably never offered a pacifier, rocked or patted her kids to sleep - ever.
To summarize her instructions:
- 30min before bedtime, say 9.30pm, start bedtime routine
- At bed time, 10pm, leave baby in cot alone. Baby does 7 min of quiet play. 'A sleep-trained child should fall asleep within 15 min.'
- Baby should sleep all the way for 10 hours (average duration for 9-month old) till the next morning 8am without night feeds. '9-month olds do not need food at night.'
- 10.30-11.30am: 2.5 hours after baby wakes up in the morning, he should take his first nap. Nap typically lasts about 45min-1 hour. 'That's the duration of 1 sleep cycle.'
- 2-3pm: 2.5 hours after nap #1, he should take nap #2, also 45min-1 hour.
- 5.30-6.30pm: 2.5 hours after nap #2, he should take nap #3, which should bring him into bedtime.
Durations between naps will drag further apart as baby ages, and number of naps will reduce.
Shocking things I learnt:
- Sleep and food are totally unrelated
- It's ok to wake a sleeping baby
- Me: If naps should last 45min-1 hour, then how come he falls asleep immediately after I pick him up when he cries at the 45th min? Tammy: He's getting such poor quality of sleep at night that he's falling asleep again
- Me: What if he vomits? Tammy: Just walk in and clean it up. And walk out. No drama. (ok, I'm paraphrasing her here about the drama part, but that's what she meant)
Things she emphasized on:
- The most important is how he falls asleep during bedtime. Nap time doesn't matter
- No form of aid is allowed for baby to fall alseep (e.g. pacifier, rock, pat, motion)
- DO NOT cherry-pick the solutions. Follow everything if you want to see results
See what I mean about her being hard core? Armed with this new set of information, I pondered for daysss.... On one hand, I knew Cayden had to be taught how to fall asleep on his own, for his own good (and brain development), and for my own sanity. On the other hand, I knew we will not be able to just hear him cry behind the door and do NOTHING. What if he gets hurt or something? So I thought maybe I shall sit beside him and watch him. But "DO NOT CHERRY-PICK your solutions" kept ringing in my mind... How do I resolve this dilemma?
Cayden co-sleeps with us, but I've been trying to move him to his own mattress/bed in our own room. Usually our bedtime routine is clean, change, nurse, rock, rock, cry, struggle, rock, lullaby, rock, sleep. (There was a ridiculous point when rocking was not enough and Daddy had to carry him and run all over the house to put him to sleep. Yes, run.) And even after he sleeps, we were always on our toes that he could wake up anytime. So here's what I did. Boy, was it PAINFUL....
Night #1
9.50-10pm I carried him in my arms, but no rocking, no walking, no patting. He was crying, rolling, hands trashing, but fell asleep within 10 min (he was tired that day)
11-11.40pm HORRIBLE. Woke up, cried, vomited, struggled to break free from me, so I ended up leaving him on the bed. Kept crawling towards me. His cries sounded like pleas for me to take him out of this misery. I sat there and when he comes towards me, I hug him, sing to him. But the way he was rolling around seemed like he was having withdrawal symptoms, so so so many times I wanted to just pick him up and start rocking him. It took the last shred of mental resilience to keep reminding myself that - this is for the better. He finally fell asleep 40 mins later, sobbing away.....
6.35-7.05am woke up, cried, refuse to be carried stationary, kept pushing away and rolling away
7.05-7.10am gave milk, drowsy, fell asleep
8.45am wake up. Stick to sleep distribution schedule for naps in the day. (I actually found this to be particularly useful. 'Naps are to re-energize baby's brain so he can continue learning.')
Night #2
10pm bedtime routine, milk, story book, rolled onto bed, lullaby, tossed and fell asleep (!!!)
11.10pm stirred, cried, rolled around. Fell asleep after a while.
5.45am woke up, crying badly, gave milk
6.15am Fell asleep after lying n tossing in bed
Night #3 - similar to Night #2
Night #4 - slight struggle cos I moved him from our bed to his mattress bed (it's a kids sized mattress with soft edges). Instead of sitting and watching him, I ended up lying beside him as he rolls around the bed, hugging him from time to time, lullabying at the same time.
And I never looked back.
Well, it's always easier to say things on hind sight, but this is really one of the best parenting decisions we've ever made. There's still a lingering thought that maybe he would have outgrown it. But from what I observed in the last 5-6 months, his problem was really not knowing how to fall back to sleep, and this is something that needs to be taught.
Which brings me to my main message of this post - no matter what experts, experienced parents, books, forums say, ultimately we know our child and ourselves best, and we know what we can live with and what we cannot. There are so many schools of thought in so many different aspects of parenting, that there is no right and wrong. It's what suits your family best. (this is quite a good read)
In our case, we started being very against any sleep training which involved crying. Our philosophy has always been to give Cayden as much love and attention as possible. But his sleeping problems were interfering in his (some days he looks tired even after a nap) and mommy's daily activities. We had to act on it. But not to the extreme of leaving him in his cot alone, or PUPD, or moving the chair further and further away from the cot each night. So I cherry-picked the solutions - from different sources! Well, the truth is 6/10 times, he'll still struggle and fight me when I try an put him to bed. He has to be physically restrained to stop him from crawling out of his bed, and to make him lie down. I realized I didn't need him to be so independent to the extent of putting him in bed and he'll fall asleep alone. I realized I really don't mind (in fact may begin to enjoy if he has less of those struggling times) lying beside him as he tosses and turns and falls asleep. :)
This could be the first valuable lesson we are imparting to him, with many more to come. I just hope the rest aren't as tough as this one...
Cayden co-sleeps with us, but I've been trying to move him to his own mattress/bed in our own room. Usually our bedtime routine is clean, change, nurse, rock, rock, cry, struggle, rock, lullaby, rock, sleep. (There was a ridiculous point when rocking was not enough and Daddy had to carry him and run all over the house to put him to sleep. Yes, run.) And even after he sleeps, we were always on our toes that he could wake up anytime. So here's what I did. Boy, was it PAINFUL....
Night #1
9.50-10pm I carried him in my arms, but no rocking, no walking, no patting. He was crying, rolling, hands trashing, but fell asleep within 10 min (he was tired that day)
11-11.40pm HORRIBLE. Woke up, cried, vomited, struggled to break free from me, so I ended up leaving him on the bed. Kept crawling towards me. His cries sounded like pleas for me to take him out of this misery. I sat there and when he comes towards me, I hug him, sing to him. But the way he was rolling around seemed like he was having withdrawal symptoms, so so so many times I wanted to just pick him up and start rocking him. It took the last shred of mental resilience to keep reminding myself that - this is for the better. He finally fell asleep 40 mins later, sobbing away.....
6.35-7.05am woke up, cried, refuse to be carried stationary, kept pushing away and rolling away
7.05-7.10am gave milk, drowsy, fell asleep
8.45am wake up. Stick to sleep distribution schedule for naps in the day. (I actually found this to be particularly useful. 'Naps are to re-energize baby's brain so he can continue learning.')
Night #2
10pm bedtime routine, milk, story book, rolled onto bed, lullaby, tossed and fell asleep (!!!)
11.10pm stirred, cried, rolled around. Fell asleep after a while.
5.45am woke up, crying badly, gave milk
6.15am Fell asleep after lying n tossing in bed
Night #3 - similar to Night #2
Night #4 - slight struggle cos I moved him from our bed to his mattress bed (it's a kids sized mattress with soft edges). Instead of sitting and watching him, I ended up lying beside him as he rolls around the bed, hugging him from time to time, lullabying at the same time.
And I never looked back.
Well, it's always easier to say things on hind sight, but this is really one of the best parenting decisions we've ever made. There's still a lingering thought that maybe he would have outgrown it. But from what I observed in the last 5-6 months, his problem was really not knowing how to fall back to sleep, and this is something that needs to be taught.
Which brings me to my main message of this post - no matter what experts, experienced parents, books, forums say, ultimately we know our child and ourselves best, and we know what we can live with and what we cannot. There are so many schools of thought in so many different aspects of parenting, that there is no right and wrong. It's what suits your family best. (this is quite a good read)
In our case, we started being very against any sleep training which involved crying. Our philosophy has always been to give Cayden as much love and attention as possible. But his sleeping problems were interfering in his (some days he looks tired even after a nap) and mommy's daily activities. We had to act on it. But not to the extreme of leaving him in his cot alone, or PUPD, or moving the chair further and further away from the cot each night. So I cherry-picked the solutions - from different sources! Well, the truth is 6/10 times, he'll still struggle and fight me when I try an put him to bed. He has to be physically restrained to stop him from crawling out of his bed, and to make him lie down. I realized I didn't need him to be so independent to the extent of putting him in bed and he'll fall asleep alone. I realized I really don't mind (in fact may begin to enjoy if he has less of those struggling times) lying beside him as he tosses and turns and falls asleep. :)
This could be the first valuable lesson we are imparting to him, with many more to come. I just hope the rest aren't as tough as this one...
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